Being older makes me think....

I’ll be turning 22 very soon. I had always wondered how an adult should act. How we should bring ourselves in society… When I turned 21 a year ago, I promised myself that I would grow up, be more responsible, more matured. But now I wondered, did I? When I think back about all the things I did in the past years, I can hardly call myself an adult. There were so many wrong steps I took. Things I wish to undo. So many words I wish I hadn’t said. Worthless tears shed. But if I would want to pile all the mistakes and regrets, I guess it would turn into be a huge mountain. And I’m sure that mountain will keep growing because I am just a human. I can only learn from my mistakes and not let it repeat again. The past can’t be rewritten, can it?

My life started when I entered college. I can’t really recall clearly my schooldays lives. I mean, of course I remembered some of those moments. But I think the story of my life really did start in college. This is where I learn a lot about life, friendship, love and despair. There were many bitter-sweet moments.

The 1^st thing that came into mind when I reminisce about college is the great friendship I found. And the 1^st that came to mind are Dila and Syarifah. I wonder what are they doing now. Studying I guess. Gosh I miss them so much. And also Daniel and Zack, I bet they are lepaking somewhere… and I can picture Anith is on the phone with Zarip..hahaha….I miss them… I regretted for not spending more time with them.

Then there were love… I wonder how he’s doing now. Is he happy? Is he well? I used to despise him. But not anymore. I’m thankful that because of him I learn of love and despair. I know what it feels like to love and long for a person. And I know what it feels like to be left crying by the gate. Even though the first cut is the deepest, I’m now stronger then ever. It’s been 3 years since… it has been that long huh? I almost can’t remember how exactly he looks like. Maybe I was trying too hard to forget and also to hate. And that is my regret. But I'm also thankful to my best friends who stayed by me through those hard time. Although they did actually cry with me, but they were there with couraging words. Those words which I still hold on to dearly.

When I got the news that I had to leave for Moscow alone, I was devastated. I regretted for not studying more. If I had, I would be in IMU with all my friends. But it's different now, I'm have started loving the friends I have here. My life would be very dull if I never met Sara, Mar, Fara, Fetty, Wani, Aisyah, Iman, Anne, Nadia, Nad...and everyone else. I wouldn't think I could live without them.

To everyone that I have ever hurt before, in anyway at all, I'm truly sorry. To all my friends, thank you for being in my life. Let's create more wonderful memories. Luv you guys!!

till then, luv,

amy

Falling So Deeply In Love

You guys know that I'm crazy about Super Junior right?? Well I do still like them, but I can't help falling madly in love with Dong Bang Shin Ki (DBSK)!! They also call themselves..Tong Vfang Xien Qi (TVXQ)(Chinese I think), Tohoshinki(Japanese) coz they are so popular all over east Asia. Honestly, I know DBSK way earlier before SJ, but why only now I like them so much...??I guess it 1st started with Kim Jae Joong, then my obsessions spread to Jung Yunho, then Shim Changmin... Before I knew it, I love all 5 of them...I love Xiah Junsu's and Yoochun's voice the most. Of course they can't beat Super Junior's funniness and acting skills.. but their songs are so good I listen to them over and over again...all of them...and their voices...ohhh... any girl would melt...

My current favourite DBSK songs :
1. All I Need Is Love
2. One
3. Tonight
4. Story of a Journey
5. Unforgettable
6. Mirotic

Favourite DBSK dramas:
1. Dangerous Love
2. Vacation
3. Unforgettable Love
4. First Love

My Very Cold Moscow...

It started snowing pretty heavy yesterday. It's not winter yet, and it's already snowing. But this is something very common to happen in cold land of Russia. Last year was even worse. It snowed some time in the middle of October!!! That was like one and half months earlier before winter. Oh how I hate this weather..... It's not just cold, it's wet. And when the wind blows....Owh my God... I feel like my nose and ears are gone coz' I can't feel them! Now it is still bearable. Wait till the end of December, the cold feels somehow painful.
Russia's cold season is not actually just winter months. But it actually starts from autumn and ends in middle of spring. Long...long cold season...And one funny thing is, the weather and temperature is very unpredictable especially in autumn and spring. It could be cold one day and the next day it would be warm. Sometimes it would put us in dilemma because we don't know what type of coat to wear when we go out to class. And this is what I hate the most about Russia. But they say, if one survive Russia, one could survive elsewhere (well excluding north and south pole of course haha)

This Emptiness

I am neither deaf
Nor am I blind
But every time I close my eyes
Silence and darkness are my companions
Surrounded by nothing more
Then the sound of my own heart beat
This obscurity impaired me
Searching through this emptiness
Never to find an end
Not even a beginning.

If there is a path
It will lead to somewhere with an end
And definitely there was a beginning
But this emptiness
There is nothing
Only a meaningless existence.

Nothing to hold on to
Nothing to wait for
Nothing to hope
Emptiness
There is nothing.


I can't remember exactly when I wrote this one, but I think it was around a year ago. I wrote this one after watching a Japanese drama about a deaf girl who plays the piano. I was inspired by her and her friends. She was a great pianist until she slowly lost her ability to hear. Her disability broke her spirit. She stop playing. But then she tried again and again, with encouragement from her friends, until she could play again even with deaf ears.

Di Persimpangan Dua Impian

This is my 1st and only poem in Malay. I have never written any more in Malay, I don't know why. Maybe I should try to write more someday..

Percintaan
Umpama satu perjudian
Perjudian untuk mencari kebahagiaan
Sama-sama kita pertaruhkan
Hati dan perasaan
Tahu akan nikmat dikala menang
Juga sedar akan deritanya
Pabila diambang kekalahan

Melangkah bersama kita seiringan
Namun seringkali bertentangan
Mengapa kita dipertemukan
Dalam satu perselisihan

Hadirnya cinta
Di satu persimpangan
Yang memaksa kita
Membuat perhitungan
Inilah lumrah kehidupan
Titik mula
Ada kesudahan

Kita dua
Insan yang cukup berbeza
Punyai impian tak serupa
Di sana engkau mengejar cita
Di sini aku mencari bahagia

Di persimpangan itulah
Yang mengungkai ikatan dua hati
Yang membelah jalinan kasih
Yang mengurai segala janji
Namun mengukir seribu memori

30/05/06

Can't Decide!!!

Between Kim Jae Joong (DBSK) and Lee Dong Hae (Super Junior), I can't decide who I love more!!! I'm torn between two very very cute, talented guys. Jae Joong oppa can sing better. But Dong Hae oppa can dance damn good. Arghhh.... I can't choose one. I love both!!! hahaha....
Some people said that I'm too obsessed with Dong Hae and Jae Joong...but who cares :P

Never, Never, Never....

This is the second poem that I wrote. I think it was much better then the 1st one. And this is one of my favorite.

Never make a promise
When you know you’ll break it
When you know you can’t keep it

Never say forever
If you don’t really meant it
If you don’t know the future
If you would leave

Never say love
If you think it’s just a word
If you think it’s for fun
If it’s just a game
Never say love
When you are not willing to die for it
When you don’t want to sacrifice

Never give hope
If it’s vague
If someday you’ll take it back
If someday you will have a change of heart

Never lock a heart
When you’ll throw away the key
And walk down the other road
When you have already chain its soul

When you do
You will break hearts
You will shatter dreams
It is selfish of you, because
You cannot remake promises
You cannot rebuild hopes and dreams
You cannot unlock the heart
You cannot unlove a person.

26/05/06

The First

I was just cleaning up my external hard disk. Deleting all the unwanted files. Then I stumbled upon a folder named 'New Folder', which means I didn't rename the folder before. To my surprise, the folder contains all the poems I had written long ago. I thought I had lost them along with my laptop. Oh yeah, I did lose my dear laptop at the airport...huhu...long story.. Anyway, I thought I didn't make any copies of the poems. But I actually did...I had actually forgotten about those poems coz' the last one I wrote was half a year ago..hahaha...

This is the first one I wrote. I remembered I was in a dazed when I wrote this one. It was after I broke up with someone. I was in a slump. Before I didn't know that I could write. But there's the thing, I could only create poems when I'm feeling sad or lonely. When I'm happy, no words as such comes into my mind. Weird? I know. I guess it's just a way my heart's trying to mend itself. So the first one is called : Like The Cycle Of Tides.
It wasn't great. But it was the start.

Rise and fall,
Like a wave,
The heart floats and sinks,
Abiding the nature,
The nature of the tides;
She sailed into the open ocean,
Went through harsh storms,
Almost sank ‘till the bottom once,
But great will kept her afloat again;
Until then,
She awaits for another heart,
To come and sweep hey away,
To save her from sinking again,
To sail into a peaceful ocean,
Together towards the sunset.

23/04/06

This was written more then 2 years ago. I was 18 years old. Reading it now, it somehow sounds funny.hahaha... Anyhow, I'm open to comments.

Can't Get Enough

I seriously can't get enough of Super Junior....I thought I'm already over with the obsession on boybands and all..I'm turning 22 in two months, I'm an adult for heaven sake!! obsessing on male groups only happens during my teenage years..OMG I can't imagine I'm actually going backwards.. but however so, I just can't help it. I just love them so much. Don't know why...I want to listen to them when I wake up, on the way to class, on my way back, before I go to sleep. And when I'm free, I want to watch their tv shows. My desktop background is a picture of SJ. OMG, I'm like a love-struck-teenager!!! hahahahaha....I often ask myself why I'm like this...It's just so peculiar .. Is it because of Donghae's cuteness? Or Siwon's handsomeness? Or Kangin's machoness? Or Heechul's naughtiness? Or Kibum's smile? Or Ryeowook's innocence? Or Yesung's voice? Or Shindong's funniness? Or Eunhyuk's playfullness? Or Sungmin's sweetness? Or EeTeuk's laughs? Or Kyuhyun's quietness? Or Hangeng's dancing?....HHmmm... Actually it's everything. They really know how to entertain people. So peeps, I do recommend them. Try and watch Exploration of The Human Body. It is a Tv show where SJ members became somekind of lab rats and they have to test certain theories reguarding the human body. It's so funny. I laugh till my sides hurt. hahahaha... Whenever I feel down, I'll watch their shows and music videos, I'll feel a lot better after that.

The Image Of Our High Potential Self

Most people are not well aware of all the potentials that they might have. Of course we will never know what we could achieve in the future or whom we might be. But if we don't explore our own potentials, we don't take risks, we don't try new things; how would we know what potentials we might have within us?

My psychology class this week was about our high potential self. As usual, we had an exercise. And as usual, we sat on a comfy couch in a circle. We had to close our eyes. The exercise begins with us imagining the light of love that we practiced the week before. While still imagining the light of love radiating around us, we had to imagine that we are standing in a very peaceful place. In my mind, I was standing on a beach. The sea breeze was blowing through my hair. I could hear the sound of waves break, the sound of birds in the sky. I could felt the warmth of the sun on my skin. I could smell the salt in the air. It was very peaceful. Then we had to imagine that beside us stood an image of our high potential self and what it did . I had imagine that image was me in a white hospital coat. She just stood there looking at me. And then she held up something in her hand, she nodded at me as if to tell me to take that gift she held in her hands. It turn out to be a stethoscope. I took it and put the earpieces in my ear and I place the resonator to my heart. And I listened the beat of my own heart. It was a strong beat, yet it sounded so peaceful.

Then it came to a funny part. I heard someone snooring (loudly...hahaha). It was so funny, I laughed. I could even imagine that the image of my high potential self was laughing along...It was really funny. So as I lost my focus and I was back in reality, I opened my eyes and saw Mar and Fara (who was sitting opposite of me) laughing. I couldn't help myself and I laughed harder. Oh my...

But nevertheless, I managed to get back the the image. This time I was in an operating theater. In front of me laid a patient with his heart open. Then I felt my feet walking towards my high potential self and I stepped into that image. We became one. And at that moment, I knew who I want to be in the future. And that was the end of the exercise. We all came back to reality and for some others, they woke up from their sleep.hahaha...

Those who have achieved in life always said, success starts with a dream. Let's dream big and reach for the stars. And if we couldn't manage to reach it, at least we'll still be among the clouds. We need to set our goals in our minds and work towards it. Even if can't be sure of what we'll be in the future or if we would achieve our goals, at least, we will know our next step towards that direction. And it is up to us to what kind of future that we will have.

Here's another analogy :
A ship is sailing in the ocean, but it doesn't know which harbour it wants to sail to. Any direction of the wind wouldn't be good for the ship.
If we don't have a goal in life, any urge or effort wouldn't be entirely useful for us.
So, peeps, let's us dream big!!!


With love,
amy.

The Field of Love

I had my first psychology class yesterday. I was expecting a boring and dull class but it was beyond my expectations that the class was really interesting. I guess I took it lightly at first because psychology classes isn't as important as classes like biochemistry or anatomy or physiology. It doesn't have any exams that need to be pass. All we have to do is just attend it. Isn't that easy?? But anyway, as I said, it was very interesting. Well, at least it was for me. Some people didn't like the class coz' they thought that psychology is just full of crap. They don't see how it could help them in their everyday lives. I do have to agree that western psychology has parts which contradict to Islamic believes, so all we have to do is omit those part. We are adults, and we were taught the Islamic ways. So I'm sure you know which is right and which is not. Which contradicts and which doesn't. So just follow the ones which does not contradicts our believes. Anyway, all of us have our own opinion. So this is mine.

So the topic this week was "The Field of Love". My lecturer who is a psychiatrist said that we need to be in touch with the inner love within ourselves. The people who is in touch with this part of themselves, will love others for no particular reasons. They will love friends not because it is easier to seek for help whenever in need, instead they will love friends just because they are there. They will love a man/woman not because they are showered with gifts, instead they will love just because he/she is there. And these people will tend to give more then receiving. In contrast, the people who isn't completely in touch with their inner love, they will instead love because of materialistic reasons.

During the lesson, the lecturer taught us how to channel this light of love within ourselves. And during the exercise, we came to a point where we had to imagine that the light of love is flowing through our body and it radiates around us. And out of no where, tears came flowing down my cheeks. I think no body notice that i was crying at that moment because everyone was closing their eyes. I don't know why I was in tears, but I found it hard to have that field of love. I believe that to have it, we need to love ourselves first. And it is hard to love myself when there were so many failures and bad experience in the past, and so many flaws.

We learn to walk by walking. Learn to read by reading. And we learn to write by writing. So maybe we can learn to love by loving. So to all family and friends, I love you all!!!

I have to keep reminding myself that nothing is as bad as it seems. And that everything will turn out alright. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. And also, I have to look in the mirror and say to myself "I am your bestfriend. And I will always support you". I did that a fewtimes everyday. I am starting to love myself already.

With love,
amy

I Believe

I Believe...

That just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything ~ or nothing ~ and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them, and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others;
sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself..

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop
for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different..

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe....
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything.'

* These are words my cousin sent to me not long ago. These words really did effect my emotionally. I miss him. I haven't seen him for more than 10 years already. He went the to States when I was 8 years old. Although we kept in touch always, I still miss him so much.


With Love,

amy

I will keep writing, but..................

hey peeps, of course I'll keep on writing. But I don't have much time to spare these days. Studying and homework doesn't seemed to have an end. And this is coming from a student who does NOT study much. I wonder how will a studious student study.... I bet people like Hafiz, Aisyah, Wani studies all day long..hahhaha... maybe those A++ students even study in their sleep!! hahahaha.... Imagine this, they study 24/7! wow... if I would wanna be like them, I think I'll go crazy... even before I can sit for the next topical test I'll already be going cuckoo...hahahaha. So guy, who actually do you study???hu?? But frankly, I'm not that bad. Of course I'm not excellent like some people, but I'm not a complete slacker either. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES AMY A DULL GIRL. hehehe...

But you know, there are some people (I need not mention any names) who adores putting other people down. When ever you didn't get to finish your work in time, they would say : Ha, tu la. Semalam mesti tengok movie ni. Sape suro malas nak buat homework... Or when you failed a topical test, they would say : ha, padan muke. sape suro tak study lebih sikit. main lebih xpe kan..(very cynical). And sometimes, they would even say : Aku nak tengok macam mane cikgu "sembur" kau esok. when ever you didn't finish a work or didn't attend the previous class.

Gosh, these comments, really gets to you straight in the heart. Some people just don't know how to keep things to themselves. I was said to be a "mulut cakap lepas" but even I am not that cruel. So dear bloggers, if you think those statements and comments are very similiar in your everyday speeches, I'm bagging you, please oh please think about it before saying it. Nobody likes it when you say things like that. We live in a very small community, and we'll be seeing each other almost everyday for a very long time. Don't make people curse you. It's not good mojo.

With love,
amy.

Superjunior

All About Me!!!

Full Name : Amy Fareena Ahmad Farid Wee
Date of Birth : 5th January 1987
Race : Malay+Chinese (Dad's a Chinese, Mom's a Malay+Chinese)
Language Knowledge : English, Malay, Russian (I don't know any language of Chinese origin...hahaha)
Nationality : Malaysian
University : Moscow Medical Academy, Russia.
Blood type : A+
Favorite color : Pink, Black
Favorite all-time snack : Chocolate
Favorite group/band : Super Junior, DBSK, Shinhwa, SG Wannabe, Maroon 5
Favorite male singer : Bi (Rain), Kangta
Favorite female singer : Natasha Bedingfield
Favorite song : Love Is All I Need (DBSK)
Favorite actor : Hyun Bin
Favorite actress : Amanda Bynes
Favorite author : Ken Follett
Favorite English movie : LOTR
Favorite Korean movie : A Millionaire 1st Love
Favorite English tv show : Grey's Anatomy
Favorite Korean tv dramas : My Name Is Kim Sam Soon, Hello Miss, Goong
Hobbies : Listening to music, watching movies/dramas, internet surfing, laze around
I like : Making friends
I hate : People who judge by looks alone

My Very First

My 1st blog. I'm not a blogger in the first place. And I certainly don't know who will actually read these crap I'll be writing. hahaha..but the funny thing is, everyone seemed to have one. So I thought, what the heck! Let's try blogging for once. At least I can have a place to pour out all the thoughts that have dwelling inside. I have been thinking a lot about life, love, despair. And I guess a blog is the place for these. Right?

To bloggers out there, feel free to drop any comments or memo or what ever it is you would wanna say. I like interactive and up-building comments.

With love,
amy